Dear Ashley,

I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me, because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe you. You couldn't even pass your exams without cheating; I should have known you'd cheat on me too, slut. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after they assessed your maturity level. It might be hard for you to believe, but one thing I can tell you for sure: you really need to work on your skills in bed. I mean, you're just plain bad at sex. I’ve seen kids blowing kazzoos better than you can blow a dick. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come down the street. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast.

Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. Give me back my keys, I don't want you coming around here anymore. I've met stamp collectors who are more interesting than you. Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon.

See you in hell,

Scott