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Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from
one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised
them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This is a
stick up. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using
radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash
drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the
bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one
shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food
order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote!
Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two
guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive
out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering
duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second
fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the
stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator),
because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning
fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and
throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown
by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the
stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men
yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog,
still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses
have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the
two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not
covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?
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