Dear Smackinthecrack,

   School is gay. I can’t pass any of my classes. I feel like I have no where to go and I might get all my stuff taken away by my parents can you shed some light on this subject.

Angerly,

School Problem P.S. please respond =)

Dear School Problem,

     Are you a man or woman? It really does affect the answer. Call me a freak but if you are a chick and you went to an all gay school, to be honest that is kinda hot.  However if you are a dude. That sucks hard, like a fag in a dick tree.

     Anyway, I’m wasting time. What to do… hmmm, one of two things. One, stay in school, kiss just enough ass to pass and keep some of your shit. Two, you could drop out, stay at home, let them take it all and resort to a life of crime (you any good with locks? )

P.S.  3 out of 20 drop-outs in this country go on to strike it rich in music, sports, television or of course prostitution.   But I've heard that 37.5% of all statistics are made up...  

Let me know how it goes,

Smackinthecrack

Want to ask me something?  askmycrack@smackinthecrack.com 

I am not a qualified counsilor, there is no "client/counsilor confidentiality."

Your problems will be shared with the world.  

Dear Smackinthecrack,

Just a couple questions. How come retarded people aren’t ever good looking? How come they don’t talk normal either? How come most of them even walk funny? And have you ever tried to help them? Most of them are so sensitive they yell or try and slap the shit out of you just for helping them. Anyway, just wondering if you could shed some light on this for me.

Signed,

BJ

Dear BJ,

You have great questions. I love where your heads at on this one. I can see that you put a lot of thought and effort into you questions. The answer really is pretty simple though. God is evil and he need a good laugh sometimes. So in his people making factory he occasionally decides to screw one of them up. So instead of just making someone ugly (while that is funny, its not real funny) he also makes them cross-eyed, short, fat, makes it so they talk funny he even gives them urges to sing and dance sometimes. Why?!? Cause its freakin' funny. This all reminds me of a joke.

Joke : What did the one armed, no legs, deaf, blind kid get for his birthday?

Answer: Cancer

Thanks for the questions,

Smackinthecrack

Want to ask me something?  askmycrack@smackinthecrack.com 

I am not a qualified counsilor, there is no "client/counsilor confidentiality."

Your problems will be shared with the world.  

Dear Smackinthecrack,

My parents are moving to Arkansas, YES ARKANSAS!! I am a 16 year old woman. I have friends, a life, school, boyfriend and I am about to get a car. I told them I am not going to a state where the state bird is a chicken and the state flowers are weeds and most of the people are related. Anyway, my mom threatened my life with her very large gun if I didn’t go. What can I do?

Signed,

Tiffany

Dear Tiff,

Arkansas huh? I have a uncle/grand-dad who lives there. It can’t be that bad, he still has most of his teeth and he runs a lucrative business on the side. He has a barn full of sheep he pimps out from time to time for extra cash.

So what should you do? Ask your mom if she has any bullets for her gun. If the answer is Yes, I am guessing you go.

P.S.

Tell my kin hi.

Here for you

Smackinthecrack

Want to ask me something?  askmycrack@smackinthecrack.com 

I am not a qualified counsilor, there is no "client/counsilor confidentiality."

Your problems will be shared with the world.

Dear Smackinthecrack,

My boyfriend keeps wanting me to have oral sex with him every day. I don’t enjoy it, I sometimes just want to die, I cry when I am alone, I don’t like how it tastes or feels, I have bad knees, I stress so much about this and he keeps on begging. What can I do?

Stressed Stacy 

Dear Stressed Stacy,

I, I, I… Its not all about you. Suck it up. Literally.

Always here for you

Smackinthecrack

Want to ask me something?  askmycrack@smackinthecrack.com 

I am not a qualified counsilor, there is no "client/counsilor confidentiality."

Your problems will be shared with the world.

Dear Smackinthecrack

     I have a small problem with my mom always catching me tenderizing my steak, polishing the fire-pole, cleaning the gun so-to-speak. Anyway, the last time she walked right in without knocking. Just then the gun went off and damn near shot her in the face. She did some matrix back bend thing and narrowly missed my man missle. Long story short. What can I do?? She seems to know every time I feel like beating the big guy, slappin the snake, choking Charlie… well you know.

Worried Willy

Dear Worried Willy,

    Shoot the bitch in the face. Aim for the eye. End of problem. Trust me, nothing tells a mom to respect your privacy like a stinging eye ball.

Been there buddy,

Smackinthecrack

Want to ask me something?  askmycrack@smackinthecrack.com 

I am not a qualified counsilor, there is no "client/counsilor confidentiality."

Your problems will be shared with the world.